


Spock's Kolinahr

by IvanW



Series: The Bond Between Series [5]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Love, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-09-29
Packaged: 2017-12-27 23:31:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/984944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock Prime reflects on the beginnings of his loving relationship with James T. Kirk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spock's Kolinahr

**Author's Note:**

> This is my own vision, obviously. This takes place mostly before what would be Star Trek The Motion Picture and directly after. It concerns the time Spock went to undergo Kolinahr. 
> 
> This is related to my Spock Prime from The Bond Between series and does not reflect anyone else's vision of Spock Prime or necessarily the Spock Prime in any of my other fictions (other than the series).

_“I can’t believe they want to take my ship away from me.”_

_“They wish to promote you to Admiral, Captain,” Spock said as he sat in his captain’s living room in his San Francisco apartment. He’d just made himself tea in the teapot Jim had purchased for him not long before._

_“Yeah, but it means giving up the Enterprise, Spock.”_

_“Perhaps it is time to let younger officers take over direct command of the starships.”_

_Jim grimaced and took a large swallow of whiskey. “Are you saying I’m old?”_

_“Not old, Captain. Older. We have all been slowing down. Our reflexes are not what they used to be, even you cannot deny this.” Spock stared pointedly at the eyeglasses on the table next to his captain. Jim followed his gaze and sighed._

_“So you think I should take the admiralty.”_

_“It is an excellent career opportunity, Jim.”_

_Jim smiled just a little. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”_

_For a long time he just stared at Spock, his hazel eyes intense, searching. For what? Spock was not sure. Then he put his drink down, stood and knelt in front of the chair Spock sat in. He reached for Spock’s hand, taking it in his and before Spock could ask him what he was about, Jim brushed two fingers over Spock’s in the Vulcan kiss._

_Spock shuddered, the emotions he had been fighting to suppress springing to the surface. “Jim?”_

_Jim shook his head. “Listen, I know it’s crazy, but I’ve wanted to kiss you for years. So I decided to start with Vulcan kissing.” He straightened a little and leaned into Spock. His lips were now just inches from Spock’s. He could feel Jim’s warm breath on his, smell a slight bit of whiskey. Spock knew he should pull away. He should not allow such an intimacy between them because he would only hurt Jim._

_But then Jim’s lips were on his, soft and warm and so wanted, Spock found himself kissing back. His hands shook as they carded through Jim’s hair, pulling him closer, even as Jim moaned._

_“Spock, please.” Jim pulled at Spock until Spock understood what he wanted and stood up from the chair, pulling Jim to his feet with him._

_Somehow, Spock allowed himself to be led to Jim’s bedroom where after they quickly discarded their clothes, they fell into bed in a tangle of limbs. Their mouths fused together, Spock held Jim down as his hands roamed over golden bare skin, learning every inch of his captain’s muscular body._

_They came together, their bodies thrusting, slick against each other, Jim moaning Spock’s name as he entered him. During the night they woke and made love again. Then before Jim woke, Spock had left him._

Spock woke from the dream feeling bereft. He closed his eyes tight, willing the dream, the memory away. Pain seared through his side as he could see Jim’s face as Spock made love to him.

He buried his face in his hands and tried to orient himself to the current time. Jim was gone, this was no longer the day Spock had hurt him.

Finally getting himself under control, Spock left his bed. He’d slept alone for many years and that had not changed no matter how many times he dreamed of Jim.

Spock would not sleep now. He filled his teapot and set it to heat as he got his tea leaves ready. The sun would not rise on New Vulcan for several more hours.

Yes, he had left Jim the next day before his captain awoke. He’d been a coward and left word with McCoy to tell Jim where Spock had gone. And Spock had gone on to Vulcan to undertake Kolinahr.

He’d fully intended to do so. Never to see James T. Kirk again. It had been a difficult decision but one Spock had been certain was necessary. He could not allow the human to consume him.  But then the years on Vulcan studying for Kolinahr had not worked and Spock returned to the Enterprise just as it encountered V’Ger, the sentient massive entity that had been threatening Earth at the time.

Spock would never forget Jim’s face when Spock came on board the Enterprise from a shuttle craft. Filled with both joy and pain mixed together.  They had no time for personal discussions as the Earth had been in crisis.

After the events of V’Ger, where Lt. Ilia and Captain Decker had joined the entity, Spock had gone to Jim to discuss his absence.

Spock had entered Jim’s quarters after seeking permission.

_“Mr. Spock, what can I do for you?” Jim asked, all politeness._

_He hesitated.   He could see the hurt behind Jim’s tired eyes._

_Jim sighed. “Look, Spock, let me save you the trouble. I’m glad you came back and helped the Enterprise. We couldn’t have done it without you. If you want to stay on as first officer for however long I have left before they pull me from command again, great. You’re welcome. But I don’t expect it. If you want to return to Vulcan and do your Kolinahr thing, I’ll understand too. I just want you to have what makes you happy. Or what passes for happy with Vulcans.”_

_“Jim, I came here tonight to tell you that I am sorry.”_

_“Sorry?”_

_“For what happened between us when I left San Francisco.”_

_“Oh.” Jim’s face closed off. “Right. Don’t worry about it. It was a mistake.”_

_“A mistake?”_

_Jim shrugged. “I thought there was something between us that wasn’t. It’s no big deal. I’m over it. Have been for a long time.”_

_“I see.”_

_“Yeah.” Jim said with a firm nod. “So, no need to apologize. What’s done is done. And anyway, it was my fault not yours.”_

_“How?”_

_“I, well, you know, I instigated it.” Jim turned a little pink, and then turned away._

_“I did not wish to apologize for the copulation between us,” Spock said carefully. “I wanted to apologize for leaving afterward without a word to you.”_

_Jim snorted. “You left word. With Bones.”_

_“That was unkind.”_

_“Doesn’t matter.”_

_Spock approached him until Jim was once more looking at him. “I would like to know how you felt that morning.”_

_Jim shook his head. “No, Commander.”_

_“Jim. Please. If you do not want to tell me in words,” he held his fingers pointed to Jim’s meld points, “Allow me.”_

_“Spock.”_

_“It is important to me. To us.”_

_Jim’s intense gaze met Spock’s. For a moment he drowned in his captain’s gaze. “Fine.”_

_Spock placed his fingers on Jim’s face and entered his memories of that day._

**Jim woke up feeling happy. Finally after all these years of loving Spock they’d finally gotten together. He couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t love Spock and finally he’d thought Spock might return his feelings and he acted on it. It took days to talk himself into it and he was glad he had.**

**He blinked at the empty space beside him. No Spock. But he knew Vulcans didn’t need as much sleep so he guessed Spock had already risen. Yawning, he got up, pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and left his bedroom calling out, “Spock?”**

**He was met with silence.**

**“Spock?”**

**Jim started worrying. He looked for a note. Spock wouldn’t just leave without telling him where he was going, would he? No way. Not after what just happened between them.**

**And then his doorbell rang and he let out a sigh of relief. Spock must have gone somewhere to get breakfast and it would be just like Spock to ring the bell.**

**Jim opened his door with a welcome smile to see…Bones.**

**“Morning, doc. Were we getting together today?”**

**Bones gave him a funny little smile and walked inside. He held up a white paper bag. “I brought some baguettes.”**

**“Okay.” Jim frowned. “You didn’t see Spock out there anywhere, did you?”**

**“Jim, maybe you’d better sit down.”**

**“What? Why?”**

**Bones sighed. “Spock is gone, Jim.”**

**“Gone? What the hell does that mean?”**

**“He left for Vulcan.”**

**Jim stared at Bones. “No.”**

**“Yeah. He came by to see me in the middle of the night, the hobgoblin. Left it to me to tell you.” Bones squeezed Jim’s shoulder. “He’s gone. He decided to return to Vulcan to undergo Kolinahr.”**

**Jim felt his heart split in his chest and his brain short out. He sat on the nearest chair, but he felt numb with shock, with pain. How could this happen?**

**“I’m sorry, Jim. I wish we’d never met Spock.”**

**Jim shook his head. “No. I-I can’t feel that way. We had so many good years, he and I.”**

**“I want to kill him right now.”**

**“I did this, Bones. Not him.”**

**“How the hell can you say that?”**

**“Come on, Bones. Spock would rather go purge himself of all emotions rather than be with me. How screwed up is that?”**

**“Jim—”**

**Jim stood. “I pushed my feelings onto him. He never wanted them. Whatever. You know, I’ll be fine, Bones. So he doesn’t love me. Doesn’t want to be with me. I’ve lived through some bad shit. I’ll survive this too.”**

**Bones nodded. “You will.”**

**“Yeah. I will.”**

_Spock didn’t break the meld yet, but the intensity of the emotions flowing from Jim’s memories almost made him let go. He could not until he let Jim know what he wanted him to know._

_Fearuncertaintyneeddesirelovebondt’hy’lacowardwantforgiveworship._

_He removed his hand and looked into Jim’s hazel gaze._

_Jim stared at him, his mouth open slightly. “Spock?”_

_“I am sorry, Ashayam. I feared the loss of control, the emotions I felt for you .I was ashamed of my tender feelings.”_

_“And the bond?”_

_“We…are T’hy’la. I know that now. Our minds are linked. Yours calls to me, Jim.”_

_Jim blinked and shook his head. “You love me?”_

_“I do. And if you will allow me, I wish to never be parted from you again.”_

_“Spock,” Jim exclaimed and then he launched himself at Spock, kissing him soundly._

Spock pulled himself out of the old memory reluctantly. That night had been the real beginning of their being bondmates. It had been his fault they did not have more years when Jim first kissed him and took him to bed in San Francisco, but he had been gratified Jim had not dwelled on Spock’s mistake for very long. Jim was capable of much love and forgiveness.

He often found himself remembering this time. It had brought his Jim to him finally. He had accepted the deep love he felt for his bondmate, his T’hy’la. There had not been enough years after this between them, but what he had with Jim had been precious.

“I miss you, Ashayam.”          

          


End file.
